"When are you having another baby?" How I overcome secondary infertility aged 36
In light of National Fertility Awareness Week here in the UK 4 - 8 November 2024. TW: Infertility/Pregnancy
I remember the exact day my husband and I decided we wanted another baby. It was around the final days of the summer before my daughter started school. She was asking for either my husband or I to play with her at the beach. My husband just wanted to read his book. I was on my period and achy, so he did it as I needed to rest. It’s the only week I’d like to stop and slow down (as someone who’s always on the move). I always tried to respect my body when on my period – or so I thought it was my period, right? The thing is I was back at the pill as soon as I could. The main suspect for what was to come months later.
“Maybe it would be nice for her to have a sibling to play with” he said. I felt a mix of excitement and a bit of fear. The same fear I felt when I saw my first positive pregnancy test. A good type of fear.
I was 31-years-old when I fell pregnant the first time and it happened fairly quickly. Within two months after coming off the pill. So Summer 23’, I decided to not go back on the pill, little did I know. The “period” I got from the pill was not real. The pill simply blocks our bodies from working and there’s a withdraw bleed, when you stop taking it. I followed what could’ve been my fertile window, according to a period app, Flo I was using at the time. To no success. That’s ok, I thought, maybe it’ll be like last time. Maybe it’ll take two months again.
Two months came and went and there she is again. Aunt flow. Mother bloody Nature doing its thing. And that’s when I started to notice that my real period had changed.
A lot.
No longer five days long. No longer bright red. It was weak, frail, pinkish, watery and lasting only two days.
I didn’t understand how could my body change so drastically as soon as I turned 36? Is that why women are labelled geriatric? Was I too old now to have another baby? I was still four years away from my fourties. And then those spiralling thoughts slowly began to take over my mind. Together with things I heard:
“They’re gonna have a big age gap”
“They won’t be close”
“It’s gonna be hard for them”
“You have to get pregnant before she turns six. It’s the last month now”
Secondary infertility apparently affects 5% of the population in the U.K. I only heard about it a year or two before I decided to try again; from my cousin, who this had happened to – also after her first baby. As you do, I thought “I wouldn’t possibly be part of that stat. Not me”. And yet here I was. Making up the whole percentage of it.
The regret of not realising this as soon as my cousin told me this information, hit me deep. But the truth is, when she told me — I wasn’t quite ready for a second. I didn’t think my daughter was quiet there yet. Neither was my husband. But finding myself in this situation became nothing but heartbreaking.
I’m a confessed birth nerd. Those who know me, knows how fondly I speak about my birth experience, specifically about physiological spontaneous birth. The wonder of life. The finest line of strength, endurance and power.
I heard about how nasty the pill is for us. (In fact I’m part of an upcoming documentary, “High, Soft & Open” about this topic).
I briefly joined a Women’s Circle Online before all this happened – that spoke about natural ovulation tracking so they could come off the pill. Majority of women there weren’t on it. I aspired to that but couldn’t come off it myself at the time. Again I wasn’t ready. I took a keen interest in learning about periods and even menopause as taboo subjects. I learnt how periods worked from them.
Essentially our period is day one of our cycle. The first two weeks is known as the follicular phase. Soon after menstruation our body produces a follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) which develops a follicle in our ovaries, when the follicle matures FSH, luteinising hormone (LH) and oestrogen peaks. This peak is what releases the egg. Also known as ovulation. Just seen a video of what happens during this process, fascinating!
The final two weeks of your cycle is known as the luteal phase. There’s a shift in hormones, after the egg is released it increases our progesterone levels (this also causes a spike in our temperature if you track your Basal Body Temperature BBT) whilst oestrogen decreases. If pregnancy occurs progesterone takes over. If not. Then by the end of week two – progesterone levels drops and triggers our period. This drastic drop in hormone levels is what also causes headaches before our period is due too.
The trick here though, is that both FSH and LH are released from the pituitary glands in our brain. Whilst oestrogen and progesterone hormones come from the ovaries.
I used to feel my ovulation, I felt a sharp pain usually on my left ovary known as mittelschmerz and it was the thing that helped me fall pregnant the first time round fairly quickly. I had noticed I stopped feeling that sensation after I had my daughter. But I also didn’t get my periods back until a year later as I breastfed for two years.
Then months down the line after “trying”, I went to my GP and he uttered the words “Post pill infertility” followed by “I can’t refer you for fertility treatment until you’ve been trying for a year”. I had spoken to my husband about this and I knew if I couldn’t get pregnant naturally then that would be it. I didn’t want to go down a medicalised IVF route. It didn’t feel right to me, to try and force it. I don’t like the idea of forcing anything. I thought it was interesting the GP assumed that. I did however learn a few things in that visit.
This was so out of my scope. I didn’t want to wait a year for something to be done when I knew full well, my periods were not right. I tend to take things into my own hands and generally take full responsibility of my life. I tend not to rely on others too much. But my GP did request a blood test to check my progesterone and luteinising hormones.
However there’s more to this, there were other factors affecting me. The first one was that I loved exercising at the gym. I loved seeing how I was getting better and more advanced in the classes I did. Boxfit, HIIT, Body Attack, there was a group of us who attended the same classes and they would tell me whenever a new hard class appeared. I was so ready for the challenge and I felt great and fitter than I ever had in my whole life. There was a HIIT class where we had to do continuous really high jumps and at the time I remember thinking, this class is designed for men. Although my pelvic floor was alright, I had to take it easy on those. I didn’t think I was over doing it but in hindsight I was exercising like I was a man. Maybe I liked proving I could do and push myself like one? It felt like a defiant feminist act somehow.
It turns out excessive exercising does affect our hormones. It was my GP who highlighted this to me. So I stopped everything. I got really scared that I had really damaged my body and catastrophised that I would never be able to have another baby and it was all my own doing. It was all my fault.
The second thing was that just before the summer holidays my fixed term contract at work wasn’t extended as the company went through hundreds of redundancies. A job that I really loved and was so good at. My plan was to spend the summer holidays with my daughter without her having to go to summer camps. It was glorious to not have to juggle work and childcare. But by the time she started school I was applying for jobs and doing interviews. One of which I had to do a task for a month (though it was paid, it was beyond stressful). When I got that job after having to “prove myself” I felt an even bigger amount of stress and pressure. I knew deep down in my soul, I wouldn’t get pregnant if I stayed there so I made the hardest decision of my life and quit the job very early on. Me. Who never quits.
Quit.
Expectations were too high at the job and wanting a baby was bigger for me. Luckily knowing all this, I had booked at the start of the year to go back to my home country. Brazil for my daughter to finally meet her great-granny and I had three weeks of doing nothing, catching up with my family and finally relaxing. Even started to learn to play the guitar.
Just before I went I decided to join another monthly women’s Zoom group called “Birth Power Meet” by the incredible Kemi Birthjoy Johnston she’s a powerhouse. A true expert and birth activist with over 20 years of experience. I told her I can’t seem to get pregnant and with her amazing network put me in touch with Sapna Devi The Wild Homeopath. I did a consultation call with her and the plan was to relax and enjoy my holiday and get back in touch in the new year.
I really felt as relaxed as I could and had given up most of my gym classes. Was trying to only do yoga now but yet I kept getting my period, even after feeling relaxed and no job to feel stressed over. I put the job search on hold (but something did come up unexpectedly and I ended up disappointed getting to the final stage of several interviews and tasks – but not getting the job). So my periods not only continued to be pink and weak but it also varied in length. Making it even hard to pin point ovulation. Too early. Too late.
My blood test results from the GP came through:
Serum follicle stimulating hormone level 1.7 u/L [3.0 - 8.0]; Below low reference limit
Serum LH level 1.2 u/L [1.8 - 11.8]; Below low reference limit
Serum progesterone level 37 nmol/L; Mid-luteal prog >30nmol/L considered proof of adequate ovulation.
I was confused apparently I was ovulating but how could it be if the LH and FSH were low? Was I just not releasing an egg? Was it annovulation? I started measuring my basal body temperature (BBT) to see what was going on. according to it I was indeed ovulating. The question now was when.
I then started my homeopath treatment, the beauty of using homeopath remedies is that it’s totally tailored to you and your unique circumstances. So please be aware that how I state below is not necessarily the same solution for you. The remedies takes into account a lot of your mental health and state of mind. As I previously mentioned some hormones required to trigger the egg to grow and release is in the pituitary gland in our brain. So our minds play a major role on all this.
My plan was to do a pill detox for two months. Which I did and still my period showed up but low and behold they started to be around the same length at this point. Then my next consultation was about what was going on emotionally for me. I had no idea there were remedies for feelings like grief and disappointment. Which goes hand in hand with infertility but also with all the job interviews I didn’t get, or did get and the shame of quitting. In the end I did get a freelance rolling contract for a couple of months and perhaps this was the turning point for me. After crying a lot, by the end of that consultation a few weeks later. I finally began to make peace that I was ok if I only had my daughter. That I was ok if it didn’t happen again. Then I had the most glorious bright red period. I even had the cramps I remember having when younger. But they weren’t unmanageable, it was my body saying “Hey I’m back, take it easy, it’s time to slow down”. I obeyed. Even if I didn’t get pregnant, my old pal was back and it was nice to have her back to her old self.
Finally the final part of my treatment was to work on my egg quality for another month. My husband happened to be away for work when I was in my fertile window that month so I knew I’d get my period that month anyway. It was nice to have a break too. I felt bad and demanding at times to try every month, to the point where it can take the joy out of it and for so long he wanted it for the problem to be him and not me. Me crying every time my period came month after month, after month is heartbreaking to go through. It was heartbreaking for him to see me not only like that but also blaming myself for not being able to do the one thing women should be able to. The one thing women is for. My mind and heart were a mess.
I also felt this reassurance from Sapna who said I hadn’t broken my body. That we could fix it. That it can take time and that’s ok. To have someone else believe in me and my body when I didn’t, was important. So I had my bright red period again.
I was happy with that alone by then. We tried again the month after. Although my diet was alright and I stopped drinking seven years ago, I cook all my meals freshly everyday. I decided to add more oestrogen boosting foods too between those two months. Added a variety of nuts, flax seeds, oats, in the morning and with my lunch or dinner everyday.
I finished my remedies and consultations and was convinced I’d get my period. I felt some period like niggles the week my period was due. Was looking into what’s next. And finally decided to reach out to my cousin without feeling ashamed, because she mentioned she drank a root tea in Brazil which helped her conceive again in the end. I wanted to know what it was. Though I was worried about using it, because she ended up having twins after drinking it. I also found out about red maca which helps oestrogen and fertility. When I was reading the reviews one woman even mentioned it helped their menopause. I ordered some.
Then I craved olives. Something I totally hate to eat. The only other time I loved olives was when I felt pregnant with my daughter.
My husband got a jar and I downed them with my meal. “Delicious” I exclaimed and he said “you’re up the duff”.
But I told him my period was due soon. There were signs of a period, a few cramps but aunt flow still did not show up. But I had been there before. Another strange thing was happening was that I was doing loads of ovulation tests and none of them seemed to be positive. They were never darker than the control line. I was sure my period would come. I had also been measuring my basal body temperature and there was a dip on it. I was expecting my period to show up the day after, as it’s happened for the past nine months trying to conceive (TTC). Then temperature went up again. Odd I thought. I was scared to take the test and be negative again. I rather my period just came. Before I knew it my period was two days late.
My husband’s intuition has always been on par. With my daughter he said “we need to have the bags ready for the hospital. This baby will come early” and she did!
When we tried that month he did say “we did it, this will be it”. I didn’t take much notice to manage my self expectations.
Then on Father’s Day this year I took the courage and did the test.
The positive line came up almost instantly. After a whole nine months of trying to conceive. “Happy Father’s Day” I said to my husband handing him the test.
He didn’t believe me, I took another test the day after. Even brighter line than the control line!
Now I’m a nauseous hormonal wreck again, it’s so obvious there’s a bun in the oven and we already can’t agree on a name.